I’m here today to talk to you about How to deal with toddler tantrums.
it’s part of being a toddler.
I think it’s throwing tantrums. Right?
Which is probably a vital acknowledgment right upfront. This is developmentally typical. And it’s age-appropriate
Even though we don’t like it. It’s the way that it should be.
Though that’s pretty important because one of the most important things you can
do is make sure that you don’t get tipped over by this. And so if you’re
expecting it, it’s easier not to be tipped over.
Keep your cool. That’s easier said than done.
But probably one of the most essential starting places because your kids, especially toddlers, can’t regulate their own emotions very well. So, they become little
Have you noticed this, that when you’re having one of those days, They’re in the worst? They had the most naughty behavior when you’re in one of your moods. That’s when they’re climbing the walls and driving you nuts. So, it’s so important to stay calm. And you know?
When you can expect that it’s coming, then it’s so much easier to keep calm. When you like, it’s you’re not tipped over because you knew it was coming.
So, that’s our first little tips.
We Know everybody experienced this with their little kids. At some point, they give in because it’s so much easier.
You got this tantrum going on. All this noise and you give them what they’re wanting and then they’re quiet. To make it stop as soon as possible. So tempting to do that. But it’s essential to refrain.
At least realize that if you do that, you’re actually strengthening the tantrum and the power that the tantrum has. And probably guaranteeing, that’s going to happen again.
It’s kind of like paying them off -right? They’re doing it for some particular reason.
When you’re at the grocery store. And your child really wants that toy or that piece of candy. And what do you say as a mom? -“No!”
Not going to happen.” Right?
Child happy with that or not so much? –Not so much. And they just start to scream or cry or throw a fit. So all of this noise that’s going on is for the purpose of what?
Getting you to change your behavior. It’s like kids are born with this sense of how to operate behavioral psychology.
Well, it’s called negative reinforcement. It’s a payoff. So, if you give your child what they want, they take away the thing you don’t want. Which is the screaming, the fit, the tantrum? And in taking it away, they make it more likely that you are going to give them
what they want again in the future and that’s the exact opposite of what we’re trying to teach them. So, you have to back off not give them what they want.
If you do this well, it’s going to get worse. That’s the most fantastic thing.
Why would it be getting worse? But, Worse, not better right yet. This is called an extinction curve. Because the kid is thinking,
“Wait, this always used to work with mom.”
“I must be losing my cool.”
You know that’s so important to be ready for this. Because I’ve worked with so many parents that there’s been behavior and you’re prepared to change the behavior, right?
As soon as you decide to change the behavior, expect the storm. Because it will get worse, but it will only be worse, for a time and then you finally get your payoff. You’re going to be able to maybe go to the grocery store without them throwing a fit for an item.
So, at first, they are “Oh, I’m losing my cool thinking, oh I’m losing my touch. I don’t have that, The child is taking that. “I got to turn up the volume.” And so that’s why it gets worse. They crank it up. Now, if you cave in at that point, you’ve just made it worse.
You’ve just intensified the nature of the problem. But if you will outlast them and you have to last just a little longer than you want but not as long as you fear.
It’s that extinction curve will drop off again because then they’ll be like,
“Oh, this isn’t working.” And then they’ll try to use some other strategy. Hopefully, one of the appropriate ones that you’ve been teaching them. You don’t get to control whether your child is going to throw a tantrum or not. Think about it, if you were in control,
It wouldn’t be…There would never be one, right? So, it’s not up to you. I’ve had moms sometimes say,
“So, am I just supposed to let my child have the tantrum?”
“What do you mean to let them?”
-You’re, not letting them. They’re going to do it. Like it’s up to you anyway.
So, because we can’t control it or decide that it’s going to happen or not happen, instead of insisting that your child stop. What if you were to just put your energies toward containing it somehow.
How Would You Contain A Tantrum?
So, an example that came to my mind. Let’s say that you’re in the car and you’re about to go into an appointment or into the store or something. And the child starts throwing a tantrum.
You can simply remain in the car.
Now, you might be thinking I’ve got the appointment, right? Kids aren’t going to pick the most convenient time. In fact, it works better for them if they don’t.
If it’s not going to be because you’re likely to give in. That gives them more leverage.
But you can contain it by staying there in the car, and you can say, “Sweetie, We’re going to stay here until you’re done.” And then you smile.
You know, I was thinking for it when there’s like really predictable Tantrums, there are some kids that have really predictable times, they’re going to throw a tantrum.
You might need to enlist someone else to help you contain that tantrum. When it happens,
“I’m going to call you, and the child will then get to stay home with you, and it’s
not to be fun party time. But they’re going to stay with you.
So, here you’ve contained it. They threw a tantrum, they wanted… Whatever
they wanted. But you’re going to just…Because you can’t say that to the child,
“Oh, you just have to stay home then.” If they really can’t stay home.
So, she contained it by enlisting some help.
So, just think that through when it’s predictable. And it happens over and over again. Think about who you can enlist to help you contain the tantrum.
And then you got to remember you got to weather the storm that’s coming.
Storms are good analogies for tantrums because you can’t go outside. Just you know to raise your fists to the heavens and say,
“Don’t start, with me or knock it off right now.” -You can.
But it’s not going to do much. It’s kind of what it is on, tantrum. Sometimes you can yell the kids
“Stop crying.” –but it really doesn’t do much good.
Well, you start looking like a lunatic. And it doesn’t seem to stop the storm. But all storms pass. All of them. We visited northern Florida last year, where a devastating hurricane had come through. The storm was past. It had gotten… There’s still some damage, and that’s probably a whole other conversation.
But every storm passes. So, weather the storm. Now, remember our children are always learning and especially the little ones. So. we’re talking specifically about toddlers. And they’re going through a very intense period of psychological and emotional development and social development. That’s a lot with this. And they are influenced heavily by their primary caregivers.
They are observers. I don’t know if you’ve noticed this.
But boy, those toddlers observe everything. And so what we want, to do is his model for them call behavior.
So, you might say to your child in a calm voice. Remember that’s the key. -In a calm voice,
“I will talk to you when you’re done
screaming.” Or, “I’ll talk to you about this when you can talk to me like I’m talking
Whatever’s appropriate for your child’s age and stage development. Your modeling that behavior for them. They will learn more about what you do and what you show them than from what you say. Thank you for being here and for
being the conscious positive parent that you are.